I adore Kisame and Itachi. I just do. I love the two of them as a pairing, but I like them even better as sort of hetero/asexual lifemates who have a deep and abiding respect for one another. Blindsided Kisame and Itachi act like an old married couple most of the time, though they're not sleeping together. The following scene, from the post-Orochimaru arc of the story, is possibly one of my favorite moments in the whole damned fic.
For those of you reading who haven't been (un)lucky enough to listen to me babble ad nauseum about the future plot points, or those who haven't been around since I posted all of my chapter outlines in January, this contains an enormous spoiler at the end of it, and a slightly less enormous spoiler running through it. Read at your own risk, whut.
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"Itachi-san. You're not keeping him." Kisame kept his voice low and spoke in their own personal theives cant, out of respect to the unexpected third wheel on their little bicycle of ne'er-do-well-ness. He was barbaric only when the occasion warranted it, he claimed, to contrast Itachi, who was a perfectly civilized brat no matter the occasion.
Itachi was just as unhappy with their current situation as his partner, but he truly disliked it when said partner told him what to do. It was a disagreeable business all around. "It's not your decision," he muttered back.
Kisame sniffed. Itachi looked up at him sharply, warning in his eyes. Itachi never bothered with facial expressions; he could say everything he needed to say with the slightest twitch of an eyelid. "I mean it. We've been considering new members, and it's not your decision."
"I know that, Itachi-san." Kisame was always respectful, even when he was being disagreeable. He managed to preserve certain formalities even in the limited vocabulary of sign language and muttered tones. "But I never said we wouldn't bring him back. I was merely remarking that you will not be keeping him."
The new inflection made the whole situation clearer; Itachi shifted his glare to the back of the topic of conversation. Kabuto's stride faltered slightly, and Itachi almost smirked. He entertained himself with the thought of Kabuto's reaction to the rest of the Akatsuki; he hadn't had this much fun since he was thirteen.
"Itachi-san." Now Kisame's voice held a warning edge to it. "It's considered polite to respond to a person."
"I don't see why I can't keep him." If Itachi sounded somewhat like a petulant child, Kisame was kind enough to overlook it. The taller missing-nin was known for his dislike of children- they were noisy, messy creatures.
Kisame sighed, a faint, irritable exhalation of breath. "Because, Itachi-san, the Akatsuki work in groups of two, and pets are discouraged."
"Jealous, Kisame?" Itachi dropped out of cant and spoke in a conversational tone.
The shark-man snorted softly and responded in kind. "Hardly. But, Itachi-san," his voice dropped slightly, "he's crazy."
At that moment, Kabuto paused in his shuffling steps to glance back at the two Akatsuki members escorting him. He smiled a brilliant, dazzling smile that showcased all of his teeth, and the light glinted blindingly off his glasses. His head tilted slightly, throwing off the glare, giving both Kisame and Itachi a perfect view of the perfect pair of mange sharingan eyes, swirling slowly in the sunlight.
Itachi returned the smile with a more focused glare, and Kisame looked smug until they stopped for food in the next town, where Itachi ate all of the dango and left Kisame with the bill.
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Oh, Kabuto. Your crazy out crazies all the crazy people at the crazy house. And yes, Kisame is actually Itachi's nagging wife. (This bit was written in the pile o' rough drafts text file, hence the bicycle line. Unedited hijinx!)
On a completely unrelated note, "Kisame" apparently means something along the lines of "precipitation resulting from thick fog condensing on leaves in a forest," which I think is just an excessively pretty and poetic concept and just makes me love him even more. It's a shame he's a villain and will probably end up dead.
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