Argh. Insert rant on bad sex scenes ruining absolutely wonderful stories here.
It's not even the really awful ones that bother me- generally you can tell if a story is going to turn into a magical-sparkles-and-cherry-blossoms affair long before you actually get to that point. It's when the scene is grammatically correct and anatomically plausible, but the characters are completely wooden (and not in a good way, pun intended, har har) that really gets to me. It's like the removal of pants also includes the removal of any other defining characteristics and mannerisms.
So you think you're ready to write your own smut. You've read all the angry posts on fanfic rants about sex and you know better than to use a d20 to determine penis size (Renegades, I'm looking at you). You've read up on all of Minotaur's slash tutorials, you know what lube is, and you can tell the difference between "prostate" and "prostrate" at fifty paces. You've looked at diagrams, you've read lots of "good" fic. Great. Excellent.
But fandom is a lot like that persistent yet clueless boy who keeps trying to get into your pants. Please remember that in fanfic, just like in real life, you don't have to go all the way on the first date. It's okay to fumble around in the back row at the movies a few times before you get past third base.
...I think I may have lost track of my metaphor. Anyway. It's late and I'm tired, and this post is going to do all sorts of crazy things to my search engine queries. All I'm saying is, if your sex scene reads like a fill-in-the-blanks essay, you're doing something wrong. It shouldn't be boring, and it shouldn't be just like the last ten fics I read. A little variety and creativity would be nice, but if we're ultimately engaging in this pasttime for the characters, then it isn't going to matter how creative your sex is if you lose track of the participants along the way.
Not every get-together fic has to culminate in steamy, formulaic, penetrative sex. All virgins are not created equal. Reading fanfic doesn't actually count as research. (Yeah, I know, sorry.) Your characters' issues, neuroses, habits, and quirks don't go away just because they're experiencing some sexual healing. If your characters aren't at a point in their relationship where they should be comfortable having sex, don't force them into it. If you aren't at a point where you're comfortable writing sex, don't force yourself into it. You and your persistently clueless boyfriend will be happier in the long run if you wait until everyone's ready, I promise.
...Okay, the asshats in fandom probably won't be happier, but they're free to read about magical sparkles and cherry blossoms 'til their heads explode in showers of shoujo goop. (Hey, if fandom is your clingy boyfriend, that would make the asshats kind of like herpes. Huh. All the more reason to put off spending the night in the back seat of his Volkswagen.)
That's it, I'm so going to bed.
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