There are three names that I go by on the net, for the most part. Four, if you count my deviantart handle, but I don't actually use that for anything. I've used scads of other names over the years, though.
I discovered the internet back in eighth grade when a friend explained the concept of fanfic to me (you know who you are, darling). Another friend proposed the idea of a joint webpage; she went by The Great and Powerful Oz (GaPO for short), and I was the V-rah. (Yet another friend in highschool hijacked the idea of calling me V-rah and turned it into The Adventures of Vee-Rah the Schizoteer! I've still got a few pages of the comic lying around- they're hilarious.)
After being V-rah, I became Elfgirl, which originated in Girlscouts as so many things did back then. I also briefly called myself Tonberry Queen, after the adorable FF monster with a little knife and a lantern. When I got a Scribble (all the cool kids were doing it- online journals had become the fad that webcliques and webrings were) in tenth grade, I used Shateiel.
Shateiel is the name of the angel of silence- I was going through one of my Biblical phases. Shateiel is my username for this blog, and I still use it occasionally. I don't identify with it quite as much anymore, seeing as I'm no longer quite as much of an angsty teenager. (I like to think I'm not, at least.) But Shateiel is sort of a default identity for me, something to fall back on when I need it.
Falxumbra has stuck as well, though it didn't really mean anything when I came up with it. It was January, 2003, and I'd finally gotten my hands on a livejournal friend code. I needed a name, but I didn't want to be Shateiel anymore- this was during the beginning of the worst part of my parents' bad time, and I was working on a Latin project. Since the grim reaper has always been my mascot, I figured a name with "scythe" in it would be fun- and since I was being dramatic and because it sounds reasonably cool in Latin, I would add "shadow" to that. So, falx umbra. Scythe shadow. If I wanted to be absolutely correct, I'd have said falcis umbra- shadow of the scythe. But Falxumbra looked cooler, and it means that people occasionally just call me Falx, and that pleases me.
Shateiel may be a fall back identity, but Falxumbra has nearly become my actual identity online; it's my name, and no one else's. Go on, Google it. The only things that come up are references to me. My ego swells at the thought of it.
The other name I use is one for fandom things only- it's got a separate livejournal and I've got an ff.net account in that name. Falxumbra is who I am to my friends; Nes is my anonymous name, the one I hope to use to become an actual entity online with. I haven't yet, not really; I'm never comfortable with creating new identities for myself, and I start to feel too divided if I think about it too much. It's another Latin based name- I shan't spell it out, since the whole point of it is to remain anonymous. But if you translate it badly, you end up with "Do I not know?"
Yes, my alternate identity has an identity crisis. It felt appropriate at the time.
So, three names that ring true to me- the angel of silence, scythe shadow, and do I not know. Shateiel, Falxumbra, and Nes. They fit better in my head than my actual name does- just as I have little concept of my face and voice, my name escapes me sometimes as well. Names are important- without them, it's difficult to keep a grasp of your own identity. You don't really know who you are until you've found your name.
I'm still looking, I guess; changing the pronunciation of my given name has helped immensely- it's amazing how much more clearly I can see myself in my head when people say it right. When they say it wrong, I can feel myself go out of focus sometimes.
But, when all is said and done, you can always just say "Hey, you." Whatever works, right?
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