sqoi

Someone over at Thirty for Three claimed Setzer/Locke/Edgar.

And turned Setzer into Gambit.

XD Oh man. I- I have no words. I am filled with so much glee- my love for Setzer, of all Final Fantasy characters, is eclipsed only by my love for Cain, which is immense and mighty beyond all immense and mighty things. It just makes me so, so happy to see my favorite characters getting any kind of attention, even if I never find them written quite how I picture them. Setzer as Gambit? That should have been an obvious association, since part of my love for Setzer probably sprang out of my deep and abiding love for Remy LeBeau (because come on, everyone loves Gambit).

However, my Setzer pahks his aihship in Hahvahd Yahd, and comes from one of the snobbiest aristocratic families in Jidoor. He speaks Italian better than English (or Japanese), and sings it better than he speaks it- he spent several summers in the children's chorus at the Opera House before he met Daryl and devoted his life to her and her dreams. (He's also incredibly farsighted, dying of lung cancer, exceedingly fond of blackberry wine, and fully prepared to be dead by the time he is forty.)

Laaaazy Jane

Oh, man. I love Jason Mraz. And Yoko Kanno, and live piano mixes of Elm and Ganymede Elegy, and live performances of Tank! Mmm, music. I'm going to have many gifts to give Renegades once I get off my arse and start doing stuff. Right now I'm still coasting off of Christmas, but that'll change soon enough.

I have ideas spinning out of my head like gyroscopes, perfectly balanced and floating off into the distance. I'm still nearly two weeks behind on DIP, of course; if I do catch up (and I hope to), most things will be from the original storylines and the cracked out AUs. I've got the Las Vegas roadtrip crew back in the head, and they're always good for some cracked out silliness.

Typos are wonderful things; "suicide rates" become "suicide rats," and oops! There goes another gyroscope.

Aaannd...my family members have this compulsive need to read whatever is on the computer screen whenever I'm sitting here. (And whenever I'm not, the brother tells me, as he stands behind me, reading over my shoulder. Also while beating me. It's good to be home.) It's a bit annoying, having to keep switching windows to something non-incriminating. *sigh*

Don't want to go to work. Want to stay home and read fanfic. Bleh.

Rantypants

(*cough* *sings* All I want for Christmas is some Kabuto/Itachi...or any Sandsibling interaction...or some Turkfic...or Ikkaku with no shirt...*shuts up*)

Semi-brief rundown of things I cannot stand about the Naruto fandom/Naruto fans/Naruto fanfiction -or- Pairing rants with little to no rationalization:

Sasuke/Sakura. Yeah, I know, "Don't like it, don't read it." I don't read this pairing (or any of the other pairings I dislike), but the fact that it exists at all irritates me. Particularly when it's written in such a way that the two of them are happily in love; Sasuke has far too many issues to ever be in a happy relationship with anyone, and Sakura has far too many issues to ever be in a happy relationship with Sasuke.

Naruto/Hinata just sort of makes me go "ow," because Hinata's social anxiety around him is just that painful. I don't hate the pairing intensely, but I can't ever see it working without Hinata being able to say more than three words to him without hiding behind a wall. (Post timeskip Hinata, for all that we've only seen two panels of her, disappoints me immensely.)

Neji/Hinata. Hate this pairing. Hate hate hate hate hate it. Hate it like poison. Hate it so much I don't even have words to express my hate. Hate it more than Sasuke/Sakura. He's emotionally reticent when it comes to expressing affection (not completely emotionless, just reserved) and still bitter at the main family, and she's kind of in love with Naruto and kind of socially retarded and emotionally fragile- which would lead to her being miserable and afraid to express herself around him, and him being either afraid of shattering her, or impatient with her shyness. But aside from that, you've also got the whole first cousins and children of identical twins.

Given that the Hyuuga are probably already full of inbreeding (I like to think they keep a few buildings in the compound reserved for the care and feeding of genetic disasters- the children no one talks about, whose parents refuse to claim, the ones that would've been left on hillsides before the third Hokage declared that practice inhumane...*far top uninterested in House Hyuuga to ever write that fic*), they would share a bit more genetic material than normal first cousins would, even with the identical-twins parent thing. Incest in fics = occasionally interesting (but not often). Inbreeding in fics = NO.

I want someone to write a Neji/Hinata fic where they get married and fix the clan and then have a beautiful, drooling, three eyed baby. Only I probably still wouldn't read it, because I cannot stand the pairing.

Kakashi/girly!Iruka. Paxnirvana's Kakashi/Iruka series is what got me into Naruto in the first place; I reread it the other day and it made me cringe, because my perception of the characters has shifted so much since last year. Part of it is the fault of the manga for downplaying Iruka so much (I refuse to treat the anime as cannon); part of it is that Kakashi/Iruka is the default sidebar pairing for Sasuke/Naruto, and much of that is written by people who swallow yaoi/shounen ai stereotypes without question. (Occasionally, I hate Japan.) I've got a very short list of Kakashi/Iruka fics that don't make me want to stab someone. Very short.

Mysteriously powerful!Iruka is also kind of annoying. *glances at Blindsided* Good thing I'd never think of doing that in my own fic...(To be fair, I just haven't covered those plot points. Not that anything in that bloody story actually makes sense, mind you.)

Gaara/any female character. HATE. Sakura/Hinata/Ino/TenTen/your Mary Sue/the Ramen Girl isn't going to work him through his mommy issues in this lifetime, let alone soon enough for them to have a meaningful relationship. (Okay, he doesn't really have mommy issues in cannon. But he ought to.) Oh, and people who write Gaara/Temari? Stop that. Just- stop. I mean it, don't make me get the newspaper.

Itachi. I hate Itachi. That's all, really. (But I love Kisame so, so much.)

Yeah, okay, I'm done now.
(DIP: 8/10. I wasn't on my computer at all yesterday, aside from keeping the logs for Renegades, and I haven't done today's yet.)

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ASLDKJFDKFL. ZIJSDFLK. A:KFJDS.

KINGDOM HEARTS 2. SETZER. WHY DON'T I OWN A PS2 FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY.

GUH. ZIFFLE. *whimper* *DED*
...but where are the scars? And why is his hair all spikey? He's supposed to look like an albino heroin addict ex-gang member, not a bishounen, damnit! On the other hand- Setzer. *wibble*

And I realized last night that when I finish up DIP, I'm going to end up spamming all your poor flists like whoa. Whoops!

tired

Writing...skills...atrophying...using...too many...words...*dies*

Currently six for six on DIP; seven for six if I count my short story for Creative Writing, which I won't, since it sucks and is about as subtle as a Hawai'ian shirt.

Current score:
4 Naruto (Orochimaru, Tsunade; Ino, Sakura; House Hyuuga; Ino)
1 Seventh Hour (wtf, Marcus, since when do you speak to me?)
1 FFVII (wtf, brain, we really didn't want a Hojo)

I'm going to spend most of New Year's Eve editing stuff so that it doesn't suck. Blech.

I have to write a personal evaluation for Creative Writing; my biggest problem this year, aside from the standard problems with plot and originality, was that I always knew much more about the situation than the reader. I wouldn't purposefully conceal anything, but I'd leave out a lot of useful details. Like the fact that Tyler and Dei are half brothers, or that Sabatini was wearing a gun under her jacket when she got out of the car. Or even that Dove got to take a shower and do some laundry before he left; a lot of little details, but things that make my characters and their situations a lot more real to me.

I suppose my real problem was that I didn't actually expend any effort on the class, but shh, that's beside the point.

Fandom thoughts, continued

On the evolution of fandom in general, Livejournal, and a bit on Naruto in particular (somewhat a continuation of the previous post, and a response to Loren's comment- which I do mostly agree with). Beware of enormous lurking parentheticals; they have teeth, and very little to do with anything.

I should clarify what I meant by my comments on the general move to Livejournal and other blogging mediums. Eight years ago, you'd have to go searching through fic archives to find a pairing or a genre you wanted to read; if you were lucky, your favorite author would have her own website or archive, and you could rely on link exchanges to lead you to other things within your scope of interest. But that was tedius and often frustrating; broken links and un-navigable or ugly layouts were a definite problem. If you wanted discussion or interaction, you joined a mailing list or a message board that may or may not have had an archive or personal site as a counterpart.

Now, you can find dozens of livejournal communities that serve the same purpose those message boards and mailinglists did- and most things are public for anyone to see, whether they belong to the community or not. This is what I meant by encouraging mob mentality; everyone can join in. There's a transparency of information that wasn't there years ago, when fandom was spread out and difficult to navigate.

It's not about your link exchange and your personal website with its mini-library of fics and your personal bio and your guestbook, floating out in the middle of nowhere. It's about the community of your friends' list. Suddenly your favorite authors are more than a few sentences in their message board profiles; they have lives and can be present in more than just a few scattered fic archives. There is more people to people interaction in fandom now, because it's easier to find a person behind a fic or an essay. It's easier to give and receive feedback, and much easier to start up spontaneous conversations. Things are as much about the people as they are about the source material- and that's not a bad thing, at all- in many ways it's better, and in many ways it's just different. It certainly makes life easier for those of us who are socially retarded, lazy, or bad at html.

Livejournal does segregate fandom; if you don't feel like reading het or slash or gen or what-have-you, you can just avoid the communities or authors that write that sort of thing. You don't have to sift through large archives anymore (though I suppose fanfiction.net has become such an institution that there will always be a large, poorly organized archive to search through; that's kind of comforting, really). It simultaneously brings people in from the fringes and decentralizes areas of interest. Again, not necessarily a bad thing, since it's still fairly easy to expand your interests into other genres and whathaveyou. There are still issues with organization and archiving on LJ, of course- the memories feature is notoriously faulty. But that's just a design flaw, and the LJ people are working on it, albeit slowly.

Me? I'm socially retarded and lazy, though I like to think I'm halfway competent when it comes to html. I'm also resistant to change, which is why I still lurk at the fringes of things and keep my fandom journal off LJ. I do appreciate the decentralization of my fandoms and the ease with which I can stalk my favorite authors; I just find the movement towards decentralization a curious thing.

Heh. To use a horrible but fairly apt simile, the move to livejournal is a lot like a fandom equivalent of a migration to the suburbs. And BNFs are the SUV-driving soccer moms instead of the town politicians. *facepalm*

My previous rant was meant to be less on the changing nature of fandom as a concept over time, and more on the change within fandom over time- mostly because I felt like complaining about how difficult it's become to find decent speculative fic in my favorite fandoms. Both aspects of fandom pose interesting questions, though.

(Other things I like to examine- fandom explosions. A year ago- just one year- there were less than seven thousand fics in the Naruto category at ff.net, and less than 300 at aff.net. (A year ago, at the beginning of my obsession with the series, I did actually search through the entirety of the ff.net archives. Several times. It was still possible to do that back then; now, not so much.) Now there are nearly 20,000 and over 1000 respectively. Explosion. And yeah, ninety percent of everything is crud- I believe that's part of the definition- so it's certainly plausible that the fandom explosion has a lot to do with the declining quality of the fandom output, but I do like to think there's more to it than that. The popularity explosion is fascinating in and of itself. Naruto isn't unique in this, though. Yuugioh actually expanded at a similar rate between '03 and '04, and has since doubled in fic count. But there are fundamental differences in not only the series themselves, but in the release of the series to the non-Japanese market. (Both are distinctly shounen series, but both represent different kinds of shounen-ness, which is an interesting thing in and of itself.) Of course, I neither know nor care about the inner workings of the Yuugioh fandom; I might have, had fate not conspired against me in regards to the series. (I ended up missing the show constantly in highschool because of marching band, I didn't have access to the manga, shows that are blatantly built around merchandising irritate me, and the shippers all seemed to suffer from the Chickenwuss syndrome- something that has absolutely nothing to do with the people themselves or with the series, and everything to do with the depth of my hatred for the Seifer/Zell pairing in FFVIII. And god, don't even get me started on FFVIII, or I really will write that Sorceress!Selphie fic where Rinoa turns into Ultimecia a few generations early and all of the orphanage brats are mako junkies.))

It's true that Naruto, as a fandom, doesn't really have any BNFs according to the generally accepted definition of the term- it's outgrown them. This seems happens whenever a fandom gets too large, particularly now that fandoms generally center around livejournal, which contributes to the phasing out of Big Names by segregating people according to their ships, genre preferences, or RP groups. I would say that there were BNFs according to the accepted definition of the term, but all of them have since left the fandom. Kind of like Elvis, and the building. If they hadn't left, the size explosion probably would've rendered them obsolete, anyway.

(I'd go on an aside rant about how well-known authors and BNFs are not automatically good writers, but that's so been done before. I'd probably just end up being mean, anyway, and there's no point in flaming people if they aren't going to hear about it. Sometimes quasi-anonymity does have its drawbacks.)

Someday, perhaps, I'll dig up all my disjunct thoughts on fandom and compile them into something coherent. Perhaps. Until then, you get my meandering, procrastinatory discussions of things that have very little to do with what I ought to be writing right now. I'm sure my roommate is convinced that I'm working hard on my paper, though. And keeping up appearances is so very important. :)

December's Impossible Project (DIP) current score: one for one, Naruto. (Good to know I haven't completely lost interest in the actual series, eh?) Let's see how long I can keep this up.

Help a sistah out, yo.

Oh, my children, it is that time again. Yes, that time. The end of November, which is naturally followed by the beginning of December.

That's right, my children. It's time for another Impossible Project.

The goal is for me to write one piece of short fiction (fan, original, or otherwise) or poetry every day until the end of the year. Thing is, last year I was riding the high from having just discovered Naruto and Death Note- and both those series were going through some mighty high times (do I even need to mention how much of an impact the Kakashi Gaiden had on me, or can I just mime stabbing myself in the eye?).

Now, however, I get no inspiration from Naruto- I still haven't forgiven Kishimoto for his poor pacing in the latest arc, and I'm really not feeling Sai. I haven't looked at Death Note since chapter 58. Bleach gives me nothing; I don't follow anything else with any sort of regularity.

So this is where I beg for recs and requests: recs can include anything from music to manga to fic to shiny art, and requests can include absolutely anything, from anyone. Dun care if you're just a random person floating out in the internet and you happen to see this 'cuz you mistakenly clicked the blog while looking for naruto porn (that's my most common search engine query now; it used to be fat girls. What is this world coming to?), anyone can make a request, at any point between now and the end of the year.

For 'Drakos: Thirty Five *Million* Apologies For This Travesty

Er. Happy Birthday, vaguely belated? (You have a real gift that isn't a poorly done drabble, but I'm just a bum about most things, like punctuality and post offices.)

The Wacky Adventures of Theron and Drake, Part III!
or
Brenon Hates His Job, Sometimes, and So Does Finbar
or
...yeah, I got nothin'.
------------

"I like him," Theron slurred into Bren's shoulder.

Brenon rolled his eyes. "No, you don't. You don't like anyone, remember?"

"Oh. Right." Theron let himself be rearranged into a position that was easier to carry; he was completely shitfaced, and reeked of alcohol, ashes, and gravedirt. Bren was glad he didn't know the details of his friend's night out. He was fairly sure he'd be reading about them in the morning paper, anyway. "I forgot."

"I know you did; if you hadn't, I wouldn't have had to post bail on you and your new friend. How's yours?" He turned to Finbar, who had a semi-comatose Drake draped over him.

Finbar gave his companion a disgusted look. "He's not really that drunk; he's just using this as an excuse to grope me. I'd drown him, but I don't feel like getting my clothes wet."

"Er. Switch? Theron's harmless when he's this smashed, I promise."

Finbar dropped Drake so quickly the other man almost cracked his skull on the pavement. Brenon handed off Theron, who muttered something about bats and tuna fish, and picked up the necromancer.

"Mmm, Scandinavian farmhand. Now the boy's safe, but what about you?" Brenon twitched as Drake spoke in his ear.

"Married." He could feel a pair of hands wandering in places they shouldn't have been able to reach, given the way Drake was slung over his shoulder.

"So?"

"Most people don't find clinical insanity attractive," Finbar muttered.

"Just because you don't..."

This was a little ridiculous. He was starting to feel definite sympathy for Finbar; at least Theron had never picked up on the concept of flirting. "Hold on a minute, please." Bren propped Drake up against a wall and ignored the drunken leer the other man gave him. "This'll only take a second. I do this to Mordant all the time; I only wish it worked on Theron."

He pulled a few threads of earth out of the air and looped them into a loose Weave. He tied the ends off with a few threads of air and slapped the whole construction over Drake's mouth. "There! Now behave yourself, or I'll do it to your hands, too, and if you really annoy me, I'll fix your pants so you won't be able to take them off for a week."

Drake tried to open his mouth, but the threads stretched and snapped it shut.

Finbar gave him a curious look as he picked up Drake again. "Magicrafting," he explained. "Arcanists and mages never see it coming." Chances were Drake would figure out how to unravel the gag eventually, but it would hopefully keep him quiet and occupied until they got back to the shop.

The rest of the journey passed in relative peace, aside from the times Finbar had to kick Drake for making insinuating noises through the gag.

fandom thoughts- omigodwank.

In a fit of nostalgia, I decided to rant a bit and spew obnoxious generalizations for a while while asking questions I don't ever intend to answer.

How do you measure the expiration date of a fandom? When the source material is x years old? When the population hits critical mass at y number of people? Is it different for one-shot sources (movies, games) versus ongoing sources (tv shows, comics)? Is it a point of no return, or is there hope?

I'm measuring the quality of a fandom by the quality of the fic it puts out; I rarely invovle myself in fandom politics or discussions, so I can't actually judge them, and therefore can't really present an accurate picture. People can still have heated discussions over the real meaning behind the hug between Sirius and Remus long after the Harry Potter fandom expires. (Actually, I refuse to touch Harry Potter with a twenty foot pole, because that's a sociology study in and of itself- and, eeew, social sciences.)

Fandoms tend to have Golden Ages, when the fic is amazing, the discussion is thought provoking, and the BNFs are polite, sensible, and intelligent. We saw this seven years ago in Final Fantasy VII, with people like The Captain, Second Impact, Salah, and the Technomancy crew being involved; we saw it a year and a half ago in Naruto, with Rondaview, Suzukiblu, and The Beach writers; it's going on right now in Stargate Atlantis, with Rageprufrock and Shallot.

Is the quality of a fandom determined by its Big Names? Have those fandoms that have expired reached that point because a few key people lost interest and moved on? One could argue that Naruto has gone downhill because of the dub and the influx of new idiots, but I figured things were getting dodgy when it became clear that Silvaren was never finishing "At the End of All Things." Sure, new BNFs crop up all the time, they're a bit like daisies, cockroaches, and termites- but the priorities are different. Fandom is no longer a brave new world of ideas; it's a vicious struggle to find some new spin on an old concept. After that initial burst of creative energy from people who are there in the beginning- the people who build the fanon, and work out of what is essentially a creative void- what's left? Why is it that when those people leave, nothing ever has quite the same oomph to it? If I were more of a twit, I'd make references to the inner poetry of things, but I try to avoid being a twit when I can help it.

It's not that you can't find quality fic or discussions in expired fandoms- because you can, you just have to look a little harder. But there's a shift in attitude that I feel is very marked and really quite fascinating. At the same time, it also makes me quite sad; the Golden Age is an exciting time to be following a fandom, and once it's over, it's done. No more chats with Ramus or Christmas carols, no more crazy beach town AUs or three hundred words of poetry and insight, no more speculative relationship disasters and tales of exploration.

You can't even find Second Impact's fic anymore: a whole generation of fans is gone because the internet is such a transient place, because fandoms no longer orbit around systems of personal websites, fic archives, and message boards. If you search long enough, you'll find some of those old archives, but not in the same number as they once existed. The whole phenomenon has moved away from Geocities to Livejournal, where things are less personal and more about the mob mentality.

That's a rant for another day, I suppose, and less a rant than a discussion debating the merits of poor html layouts that all look the same versus livejournal layouts that all look the same.

In conclusion, pirates, and also, I love the internet. (You thought I was going to say ninja, didn't you?)

Latest chapters o' Naruto and Bleach; squee

Finally catching up on the manga; finally actually read 282.

Oh, Shino. I knew I loved you for a reason. "I see you didn't have any trouble recognizing Hinata...Naruto..." *dies* I do so love the peripheral characters; Kiba's utter obliviousness fills me with joy. (284: Ino. Ino. Sweet Chrisy, Team 10 is the hottest thing since halogen lamps. Ino has hips now. Guh. And Chouji's awesome out awesomes just about everything (except Shino's thug coat, because that thing rocks hardcore). *starts planning drabbles for December*)

Don't much care about Sai; Naruto as a series really doesn't need androgenous boys in crop tops.

And as for the end of the Gaara arc- oh, man. Naruto's awkwardness when saying goodbye broke my heart. Gaara has come so far since the chuunin exams. I'm a little sad that his part in the story is over now; his conflicts have all been resolved, and it's unlikely he'll have very much more screentime in future chapters. (I suppose it's possible he'll seek revenge against Akatsuki for yoinking his demon, but it's not especially probable.)

It was a little startling to see how tiny Gaara is; Naruto is taller than him, and his siblings practically tower over him (Temari + short skirt + strappy sandals = mmmlegs!). I suppose it does make sense that Gaara would be on the short side, though. He's been sleep deprived his entire life, and that does tend to stunt growth and development. Naruto will probably never be particularly tall, what with the poor nutrition that comes of living on ramen. If Sasuke is taller than Naruto, I'll be upset; he should follow in Itachi's footsteps and stay bitsy. (He should shrink! Height is directly related to emotional maturity!)

Last thoughts about Naruto- since when is Shizune secretly evil? Cut that shit out, Kishimoto. Seriously.

I need to find a better way of monitoring chapter releases so I can stay on top of things; the same thing applies to Bleach, where the thug love is so immense and mighty, it threatens to explode my head.

Ikkaku and Yumichika are getting screentime, and this makes me wildly happy. I adore everything about them: from Ikkaku's shiny bald head to Yumichika's amazingly gay sweater. Chapter 203 is full of Ikkaku fighting and Yumi looking hot and masculine; there's something about the way Ikkaku casually spits out two molars that's amazingly, incredibly hot. *loves all over Bleach*

As for chapter 204- my general reaction to Ikkaku is "Oh, holy fuck YES," because there's nothing sexier than a bald, shirtless, bloody man grinning like a maniac and shouting in single kanji. (The kanji for ban-kai, by the way, is very, very pretty.) I need to make about a dozen Ikkaku icons now. Not sure what I'll do with them, but they need to be made.

The latest chapters have also redeemed Rukia in my eyes; Shirayuki is an awesome zanpakutou, and I hope Rukia eventually gets her Ban Kai so we can all see that it's true form is actually an adorable bunny. An adorable bunny with sharp, nasty teeth! (The latest chapters also reinforce my apathy towards Byakuya; he's irritating, and needs to be smacked.)

Ichigo is being an ass (you don't say shit like that to Chad, fuckwit), but the side characters more than make up for his current worthlessness. (Rangiku/Orihime fanservice= boobtastic!love. Hitsugaya=tiny!grumpy!love!) And Aizen now looks so much like Seymour of FFX, it's disturbing. But the way the Arrankar are all numbered in Spanish? Fuckin' awesome. Just- fuckin' awesome. I love this manga to pieces. (Want to cosplay as Ulquiorra like whoa. Like what? Like whoa.)

Revel in the songs that he sings. (Spammy whining)

Rarr, hiss. Stupid spotty wireless ate my last post; it was fairly pointless, though. The updated versions of the sandcest miniseries are up at Ficwad. Check 'em: Paint, Soft, Control. They're also posted to the sandcest lj community; I'm debating whether or not to post them to ff.net, and if so, whether or not to post them separately or as chapters of a single unit. (The Kankurou one is still too wordy, and I'm pretty sure I lifted whole sections of it word-for-word from somewhere else. I just can't remember where; if anyone has any idea who I'm plagiarizing, let me know so I can stab myself in the head.)

There was also some Blindsided idiocy that got eaten, but it wasn't especially entertaining or important.

I swear I'll work on chapter five eventually, just...not now. January, January is when I'll get lots of writing done. I'll be home (except when I'm in Japan, maybe), and that will make everything so much better.

Homesickness kills me sometimes (all the time), and November is a bad time to be alive.

I've given up on NaNoWriMo much earlier this year than any year previous; I think I made it to five thousand words, and then everything fell apart. I was doing so well the first week, too- but then, kersplat. I can't focus on things anymore.

Possibly my current state of mind is coloring my self perception; I spent twenty one consecutive hours in the science building over the course of yesterday and today, doing my lab write ups and creative writing assignment. Didn't get out of class 'til 4; took a two hour nap then, and have been hovering on this side of catatonic-from-exhaustion since.

...Winamp, you cracktastic little bitch. You're set to shuffle, damnit. Tracks 9, 10, and 11 are currently Imogen Heap's "Hide and Seek," Lamb's "Gabriel," and Low's "That's How You Sing Amazing Grace." Winamp just went from "Hide and Seek" to "Amazing Grace," to "Gabriel." For anyone not familiar with my cannibalized playlist, those are quite possibly three of the most depressing songs on the planet.

Fuck, I need sleep.

incoherent ranting about smut!

Argh. Insert rant on bad sex scenes ruining absolutely wonderful stories here.

It's not even the really awful ones that bother me- generally you can tell if a story is going to turn into a magical-sparkles-and-cherry-blossoms affair long before you actually get to that point. It's when the scene is grammatically correct and anatomically plausible, but the characters are completely wooden (and not in a good way, pun intended, har har) that really gets to me. It's like the removal of pants also includes the removal of any other defining characteristics and mannerisms.

So you think you're ready to write your own smut. You've read all the angry posts on fanfic rants about sex and you know better than to use a d20 to determine penis size (Renegades, I'm looking at you). You've read up on all of Minotaur's slash tutorials, you know what lube is, and you can tell the difference between "prostate" and "prostrate" at fifty paces. You've looked at diagrams, you've read lots of "good" fic. Great. Excellent.

But fandom is a lot like that persistent yet clueless boy who keeps trying to get into your pants. Please remember that in fanfic, just like in real life, you don't have to go all the way on the first date. It's okay to fumble around in the back row at the movies a few times before you get past third base.

...I think I may have lost track of my metaphor. Anyway. It's late and I'm tired, and this post is going to do all sorts of crazy things to my search engine queries. All I'm saying is, if your sex scene reads like a fill-in-the-blanks essay, you're doing something wrong. It shouldn't be boring, and it shouldn't be just like the last ten fics I read. A little variety and creativity would be nice, but if we're ultimately engaging in this pasttime for the characters, then it isn't going to matter how creative your sex is if you lose track of the participants along the way.

Not every get-together fic has to culminate in steamy, formulaic, penetrative sex. All virgins are not created equal. Reading fanfic doesn't actually count as research. (Yeah, I know, sorry.) Your characters' issues, neuroses, habits, and quirks don't go away just because they're experiencing some sexual healing. If your characters aren't at a point in their relationship where they should be comfortable having sex, don't force them into it. If you aren't at a point where you're comfortable writing sex, don't force yourself into it. You and your persistently clueless boyfriend will be happier in the long run if you wait until everyone's ready, I promise.

...Okay, the asshats in fandom probably won't be happier, but they're free to read about magical sparkles and cherry blossoms 'til their heads explode in showers of shoujo goop. (Hey, if fandom is your clingy boyfriend, that would make the asshats kind of like herpes. Huh. All the more reason to put off spending the night in the back seat of his Volkswagen.)

That's it, I'm so going to bed.

"Control" Kankurou/Gaara

I think it would help if I weren't so dehydrated my eyeballs are threatening to secede from my skull holes. o_0

I dislike this Kankurou; he's rather creepy. On the other hand, I like the idea of this Kankurou- I just can't stand the way I wrote him. But now all I have to do is edit each fragment and the series will be done- and by "each fragment," I mean "this one," since the other two are in a place that almost makes me happy. It's been so bloody long since I finished anything; this will be an enormous relief.
--------

"Control"

The slightest twitch of his fingers sends a puppet spinning into a wild jig. When he severs its strings with a thought, the puppet falls to the ground, lifeless.

Kankurou knows that power is not a matter of strength; that is a lesson he learned well upon his father's death. Let his siblings wield brute force with impunity; he much prefers the subtle play of chakra at his fingertips to the crunch of bone beneath a wave of wind or sand.

He revels in making his puppets dance, revels in the absolute control he holds over their actions. That is real power- let Gaara be Kazekage, with the strength of a monster. Kankurou knows how to pull strings and, in the village of Hidden Sand, that knowledge is more valuable than the strength of ten thousand demons.

And Kankurou knows which strings to pull- he knows that his brother never learned to differentiate between love, lust, hatred, and need. He knows that Gaara desperately wants proof that he is loved, that his precious people are not afraid of him.

With this knowledge comes the ability to make Gaara arch and writhe and moan, just like a pretty little puppet, all pale skin and long limbs. He collapses just like a marrionette, too, falling back against the mattress in a tangle of shivering limbs.

He should feel ashamed for taking advantage of the one crack in his brother's impenetrable defense, but it gives him that most precious commodity- control. Control over the Kazekage, and control over the village. It's just so easy- and Kankurou has no need to fear Gaara now, so there is at least some honesty in his actions.

After all, no one notices the puppeteer- least of all the puppet.
-------

The need to edit, it is like burning.

Webcomic Recs

Grayling by Arborwin.
Stuff that's wonderful: Pretty much everything. The art is unlike any that I've seen before- very sketchy and kinetic. The characters and plot are detailed and well thought out; this comic also has some of the most in depth worldbuilding I've seen in any sort of story, comic or otherwise. The story itself is told largely in flashbacks, covering several thousands of years of history.
Stuff that might tweak other people: There's lots of the gay, and the early art is fairly generic-anime. There are a lot of characters to keep track of, and sometimes the angst will make you want to cry.
My opinion: I love this comic immensely; it's been my favorite for a while, and the storyline is winding down. I'm happy because I want to know how it ends, but on the other hand, no more Grayling makes V a sad cookie, indeed.

Nine Swords
The good: Goregasm! It's a vampire comic with nasty vampires- none of those sad, angsty Anne Rice bloodsuckers here, thank you very much. And it isn't just about vampires- it's more of an adventure-punk story than a gothic angstfest. The art is excellent, the characters are awesome, and the world uses a more original take on the vampire thing than most. The setting is a sword-and-sorcery-and-cyberpunk sort of thing, which sounds strange but actually works quite well. It also has eye gouging and very pretty violence.
The not so good: It updates maybe twice a year, which is frustrating when the plot is so full of twisty backturns and the like.
My opinion: Mmm, Riley is pretty when he's breaking things and being a bastard. I just really, really wish it updated more often.

The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The good: Frickin' hilarious, and the art is quite good.
The not-so-good: Uh...gratuitous abuse of McDonalds and Paul Bunyan?
My opinion: It's about a doctor who's a ninja, and whose secretary is a gorilla. It's silly, and wrong on many, many levels.

Sand & Stone
The Good: It's cute, involves demons, crazy goth girls, spazzy boys, Amazons, tiny dragons, and lots of good bad jokes. The run down: a couple of teenagers get pulled into a rescue mission to save a girl from the clutches of an evil Prince of Hell. Things don't quite go as planned, and shennanigans ensue.
The not so good: Can't think of anything, actually.
My opinion: I just found this one and chewed through the archives in a couple of hours; it strikes a good balance between excessive silliness and seriousness, and I'm loving the characters. They're snarky, and I can't resist snarky characters. Also, Char and Vlad are hot, in that elongated and pointy and evil sort of way. :)

Hm. Those are actually all I'm reading right now, aside from The Bunny, Order of the Stick, and Penny Arcade- but everyone reads those (or ought to), and they're strips, not sequential art. I've just gotten out of the habit of reading webcomics, which is a shame, I suppose. I used to waste so much time on them...now I have to find other things to waste time on, and that can be quite difficult.

Any non-strip comic recs with good storylines, art, and/or characters would be welcome- so long as they don't involve elves. We hateses elves, my precious.

Writing prompt: dialogue, Boffo style

The prompt was to write pure dialogue; I've been using Boffo characters for all of my promts in this class, because they can pass for normal more easily than anyone else.

So, Tyler and Dei, and the obligatory cup of tea. God, I love my boys. (This is also the third prompt I've written involving tea. I'm starting to get predictable.)
--------------------------
"And then she says, "We should've turned left!" Get it? Turned left?"
"I'd give you a proper response, but I think my brain just shut down from the overwhelming lameness of that joke. Do you want some tea?"
"Somebody went and had their sense of humor surgically removed. What kind of tea do you have?"
"It had a malignant tumor and needed to be taken out. Oddly enough, I don't miss it. I'm making a pot of Earl Grey, but I've got some of that herbal stuff your mother-in-law sent me last Christmas."
"A malignant tumor? Like your nose?"
"No, like your face."
"Oh, you mean like your mom."
"Actually, yes. Exactly like my mom. Now, seriously, tea. What do you want?"
"Earl Grey is fine- last time I drank that herbal stuff, I was seeing purple squirrels for a week."
"Now that's a fun side effect- I just broke out in hives. I tried giving some to the cat, but she wouldn't touch it."
"Smart animal."
"Only sometimes. She still runs headfirst into the sliding door when there's another cat in the yard."
"Takes after her owner, does she?"
"God, you're obnoxious today. What's the matter, been sleeping on the couch for a week? No, don't tell me- just shut up and drink your tea."
"I'm obnoxious? Whatever. Where do you keep your sugar bowl?"
"I don't have one."
"You're kidding- I sent you one for your birthday three years ago. Now I'm hurt, and I want sugar."
"You only sent it to me so you could exactly what you're trying to do now- turn a perfectly good cup of tea into a diabetic's worst nightmare."
"You know, you should see about getting that sense of humor of yours replaced. I know a guy who knows a guy..."
"You're kidding- I sent you one for your birthday three years ago. Now I'm hurt, and I want sugar."
"You only sent it to me so you could exactly what you're trying to do now- turn a perfectly good cup of tea into a diabetic's worst nightmare. Now stop digging through my cabinets, you won't find any."
"Tell me you did not hide the sugar just because I came to visit."
"I won't tell you anything, then."
"You really are crazy, you know that?"
"Mm-hm. And just think- we're related."
"God, don't remind me. No wait- that does remind me; I'm supposed to make sure you come to this year's Family Function."
"I'd rather drink your mother-in-law's illegal psychotropic tea."
"Come on! The creepy side of the family isn't even coming, they all have other, creepy things to do."
"Then I won't be missed."
"But the non-creepy side is psychotic, and you can't leave me to face them all alone."
"You won't be alone; you're married. Your wife will protect you from our big, bad relatives."
"Yeah, but if you're there, then no one will ask us why we don't have kids yet- they'll all just bug you about being single."
"And this is supposed to encourage me, how?"
"I'll owe you one? And I won't tell Aunt Celeste the truth about her little yappy dog."
"Are you blackmailing me? God, I don't know whether to be proud or pissed off. Fine, I'll go- but you'll still owe me, and you're not allowed to murder another cup of tea in my presence again."
"Done."
"Alright, then."
"Good. Can I have the sugar now?"
"No."

Song Call- The Postal Service, "Such Great Heights"

I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
True, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great
Heights, "Come down now," they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
"come down now," but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listening
That frankly will not fly. You will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home

And They will see us weaving from such great
Heights, "Come down now," they'll say.
But everything looks perfect from far away,
"Come down now," but we'll stay...
-The Postal Service, "Such Great Heights"

Emo McMoodypants strikes again!
...I'm done now.

More TRIO spam

I have serious issues with naming places and things; people, I'm fine with, but everything else- blech. Maybe I should just fall back on random strings of syllables...

My two favorite genres to write are overly-complicated fantasy, and hand-wavy sci-fi. TRIO is the latter, much like DDD was, so many years ago.

Actually, there are a lot of similarities between TRIO and DDD, though I'll grant that a lot of those similarities are simply couched in the fact that they are hand-wavy sci-fi stories. DDD took place in a city called Veracity, on an earth that had begun to disintegrate; TRIO takes place in a city that may or may not be called Haven. The problem with calling the city Haven is that it's such a cliche of a name, and it reminds me too much of Mercedes Lackey. Maybe-Haven is on an earth that has been cut up and divided.

The city is a country, an island, and a corporation all in one. It is owned by Havensec (name subject to change), a sort of mega-corporation. Think Shin-ra and you've got the right idea, only it's run by a board of directors, not a single CEO. And the Board isn't evil, so much as faceless and greedy. Havensec is an institution- a corrupt and inefficient one, at that.

Because I'm not going to write yet another inevitably tragic story (Stella, Seventh Hour, DDD, I'm looking at you), Havensec is not quite as enormous and corrupt and broken as it suddenly wants to be in my head. This place has it's problems, but they can be fixed. (I'm not as attached to this world as I am to Rothcar or the Boffo Multiverse, so I'm not as worried about the mechanics of it.)

The rest of the world has been divided into other enormous island-city-states, and blank land. The blank land is owned by the extremely wealthy and the corporations; the wealthy use it for vacationing spots, and the corporations use it for raw materials. The corporations vie fiercely for raw materials; most of the city-states were built on artificial islands, so the only raw materials directly availble to the cities are those in the waters around them. Which really means that the only raw materials the cities have direct access to are sea monster skeletons and sludge.

Of course, there's a lot you can do with a dead sea monster, but that's beside the point.

Everyone who lives in the city is or was an employee at one point in their lives. The rate of unemployment in Haven is quite low, largely because you die if you don't have a job. It's possible to make a living as a criminal; data thieves are particularly common, and there are underground drug and prostitution rings. If something resembling a mafia starts to form, Havensec assimilates it into the company, splitting it up into Hospitality and Security forces. Organized crime doesn't last long before the company decides that all that talent and energy ought to be put to use somewhere else.

No matter who or what you are, you can always get a job in the Department of Hospitality. Hospitality began as a branch of Human Resources, but it's grown to become its own department. Every single red light district in the city has been subsidized by Hospitality, along with every casino and gambling room, every licensed seller of recreational pharmaceuticals, restaurant, and every massage parlor. They offer brainwashing as part of your starting bonus if you don't feel comfortable being a prostitute with your current mindset. It's also possible to fight in the Colliseum (what, you thought I wouldn't have one?) rather than work in a brothel, but R&D sends its spare monsters to Hospitality for Colliseum fights so your lifespan tends to be cut drastically short if you join that division of Hospitality.

There are a few private or quasi-private businesses; in the end, it's always Havensec signing your paycheck, but not all luxuries are subsidized by the company. Most restaurants are privately owned, and there are craftsmen who don't work in factories. In the poorer sectors of the city, most things belong to the company; in the richer areas, you get a bit more variety in terms of goods and services.

Like I said, I'm not especially invested in this world, and I haven't given it much thought in years. There will be contradictions and murky spots while I work it out in my head and on paper. The city as it begins will be very different from the city as it ends, and not just because of that giant smoking crater in the center of it.

Should spend more time writing story than backstory. Blah.

(On a completely unrelated note...the newest chapter of Naruto? OMG SHINO. KIBA. THUG LOVE. IMMENSE AND MIGHTY THUG LOVE. SHINO SHINO SHINO SHINO SHINO THUG YAYE. *drool*)

Naruto fragment

Things that win: the person who reviewed Fair Play and referred to Yondaime as "old yeller."

That's special, that's what that is.

---
(unfinished snippet for the prompt "camera obscura")

There was a row of picture frames on Naruto's windowsill; Gaara liked to take them down late at night and run his fingers along the frames. They were scratched and nicked, worn down from years of travelling in the bottom of Naruto's pack.

It became a nightly ritual, just one more among multitudes. Gaara waited until Naruto fell asleep, then took down the pictures, one by one. He laid them out on the floor and touched the frames reverently, memorizing the lines of Naruto's smile in each of them.

"That was my academy graduation picture," Naruto's voice was low and sleepy in his ear; Gaara froze as Naruto's arm reached over his shoulder to point at the picture. "Stupid photographer made me take a normal picture, but he let me have a copy of that one anyway."

He'd never been caught before; he waited for Naruto to ask why he'd taken the pictures with a cold feeling in the pit of his stomach, but the question never came. Naruto rested his chin on Gaara's shoulder, turning his head so they were cheek to cheek.

His skin was very warm. Gaara picked up another picture with a slightly unsteady hand. "Tell me about this one."

TRIO

Marc Anthony, and Havensec non-human classification.

Marc is a grouchy bastard with a heart of gold, almost. He's a class two bluecard non-human; technically he's a class 4, but the nature of his modification ranks him down to a class 2.

The higher the class, the less human you are. There are a number of criteria for each class, but for most mods, all you have to worry about is how human you appear. Marc's right eye is a mechanical implant- he lost his original eye in a stupid accident that he doesn't like to talk about, and at the time, his health insurance package included prosthetics. It didn't include cosmetic prosthetic modifications, nor did it include high quality prosthetics; Marc's right eye is made of alloy and glass, and his eye socket is a metal plate fused with his skull. When his hair is pulled back, it's impossible to miss.

Marc can cover it up with sunglasses or an eyepatch in public; when he's feeling lazy, he covers it with his hair, and no one can tell the difference. Since it's an easily concealable, small modification, he's a class 2 instead of a class 4.

It should be noted that Havensec's non-human regulations are very strict. In nearly any other corporate city state, a person would have to be at least 51% non-human to qualify. In Havensec, any modifications or enhancements qualify you as non-human. This is particularly unfair to people like Marc, who have had body parts replaced with non human materials for medical reasons.

He wasn't allowed to keep his old job unless he had his eye replaced (he worked with heavy machinery); once he was classified as non-human, he lost his job anyway. Now he's self employed, which is both incredibly dangerous and incredibly unprofitable in a corporate city state.

Marc's best friend is his bonsai tree, and he's a strict vegetarian (not that it's much of an issue; Marc doesn't make enough money to afford real food). He's skilled in a variety of martial arts, but he's also a strict pacifist. I've done basic character profiles for the main characters of TRIO; here's Marc's. Not all the details are accurate; his eye is wrong, and he has barcodes on his wrists, not the back of his neck. His tattoos are different, too, but I'm not sure what they are yet. I'm still really proud of the way the full body sketch came out, though; that's actually very close to what he really looks like.

He has a few anger management problems, which is why he's become a cynical pot-smoking hippie (minus the pot-smoking). He's got childhood angst, but it's not really important- most of his angst stems from the fact that Havensec screwed him over. Now he's a freelance courier for people whose businesses are just too shady to be absorbed by Havensec; he's likely to get shot or arrested, if he doesn't starve to death first.

He's not so desperate that he'll work for Hospitality, but it's really only a matter of time.

The narration tends to focus on him, because he sees more of the city than the other characters, and is less of an empty headed idealist than the members of the Revolution.

Marc's pacifism is the useless, hypocritical sort. He will never raise his hand to another living creature, but he won't step in to stop a mugging, and he honestly doesn't care about all of the innocent citizens who get murdered by the security forces every day. He takes a very narrow minded, personal view of the world; he is very much aware of his own insignificance in the grand scheme of things, so as long as something doesn't directly involve him, he isn't going to care about it.

He wouldn't have gotten involved in the revolution if it weren't for Meg, and that's something he'll never forgive her for.

The Revolution is Over: Who the hell are these people?

(Man, it's so weird seeing only two blogs on my profile; I'm so used to there being four or five...)

Cast thusfar:
Megin Falche
Marc Anthony
Spots MacDowell
Miryana "GHOST" MacDowell
Kyle Stroud
Eleanor Fetch
Matthias and Greymalkin

Eleanor Fetch is a greencard non-human, class three. As a class three, she is indistinguishable from a full human from fifty feet away when fully clothed; as a greencard, her modifications are genetic and biological, not cybernetic or neurological. Eleanor was part of an experimental military biokinetics program in Havensec's research and development sector. The experiment went remarkably well; the modifications they were testing are now availible to certain branches of the security forces.

Eleanor has had all of her senses enhanced, and her skin now has the consistency of very tough, thick leather. The body armor covers her entire body from the neck down, excepting the palms of her hands. She can't feel very much through the altered skin, but her hands are exceptionally sensitive.

She had her auditory and olfactory enhancements removed a few months after the program ended; they simply interfered with her every day life too much. She still has extrememly sensitive hands and very keen eyesight; her taste enhancements were diminished when she had the olfactory ones removed, but she can do the Benton Fraser taste test with the greatest of ease, regardless. *stabs self for excessive geekery*

Her armored skin is a dark olive color; from the neck up, she is incredibly pale- standard redhead complexion.

The problem with R&D projects is that they really don't pay well, and they severely reduce your chances of getting employed in another division- unless you want a job in Hospitality, but no one wants a job in Hospitality. Particularly not freaks of nature like Fetch; they have departments for people like her in Hospitality, and it's not a pretty thing. You don't work for Hospitality unless you have no other choice; R&D is still a step up from Hospitality- if you catch a deadly disease and die from it in R&D, at least you'll know your body will be cut up and catalogued for future research. When you die of some horrible disease in Hospitality, they ship your corpse out of South Gate to feed the sea monsters.

Unfortunately for Eleanor, her R&D stipend has run out, and she can't get a legit job anywhere else with a greencard.

...er, by the way, I'm not doing Bird in the Hand for Nano this year. I figure it's about time I wrote TRIO; I'm in something of a revolutionary mood.

Song call- Sean Watkins, "Let It Fall"

http://s37.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=17ADQWRCMNYX734ZKXAWOS7LFP .wma format, I'm afraid. But most things will play it, so whatever.

So, continuing with today's theme of waaaaangst, I love this song. I love this song so much, I can't stop listening to it. Whenever I put on the CD, I have to pause and replay track two at least five times before I can move on to the rest of the album. No lie. I just listened to it for about an hour straight, and it's not much longer than three minutes. I love this song. In case you couldn't tell, I'm a little bit obsessed with Autumn, and this is my theme song for the months of October and November. Unlike most halfway moody music, "Let It Fall" always makes me feel better after listening to it, which is good, because I can't stop.

Lyrics:

Hey look, I'm not weighed down
As I walk through
The glowing wheat fields churning on the ground
As all the ravens fly away
They leave nothing
But the sun and endless blue day

I always knew I felt this way
But couldn't find the time to say
To myself I've got to let it go
Through all the joy and all the pain
With the drought and the rain
The honest truth is all I want to know

Let it fall
Let go

My kingdom's walls have fallen down
But I know that
I don't wear an undeserved crown
And though it seemed to fit me well
Underneath it
I would certainly fall down

Last summer we left things unsaid
That should be now a long time dead
And now it seems that time has put it well
The words can chase away a friend
But to a lie they'll bring an end
And throw it down the darkest, deepest well

Let it fall
Let go

Let it fall
Let go

Let it fall
Let go

Let it fall
Let go
-Sean Watkins, "Let It Fall"

Why sestinas, even incomplete ones, should not be written in fifteen minutes or less.

Poorly planned and unedited poetry spam/babble/free thought, get it while it's hot.
--

The trees put on their festive garb
to hide the way they fester in the cold,
And acorns launch at suicide speeds
to pelt scarf-wrapped pedestrians.
They litter the ground, their pulverized
remains subject to the autopsies of squirrels.
This is Autumn, the time of dying and denial
and change.

----
It's that time again, when the wind breaks
cold over treetops that have begun to change
into new colors, putting on their bright autumn
fashions, trying out the latest perfume scents:
Eau de Morte Arboris or something like that
Maybe it's me; I don't know how the trees can be so

Cheeful at a time like this. Everything feels so
blank and bleak and brittle; everything breaks
at the slightest provocation. I think that
we should try fixing things for a change,
but thoughts like those are just nonsense.
Nothing really matters when you're drowning in autum.

Which isn't to say that I don't like autumn;
as seasons go, I like it just fine. So
maybe I think the dead-leaves-and-rot incense
smell is cloying; them's the breaks,
as they say. The world won't change
for me, and I can appreciate things that

hold to their convictions. I just wish that
that there were something more to autumn
than death and monumental, world-shaking change.
Or maybe something less- this season doesn't need so
much drama. Don't you think? Heart breaks
are bad enough on their own, without this sense

of soul crushing solemnity, this heavy sense
of slowing time. There are Greek tragedies that
feel more upbeat. This is the season that breaks
the camels back, so to speak. This is autumn:
season of rain, season of blood. Why are we so
enamored of this misery? Any attempts at chage

are met with further misery. We cannot change
the falling of the leaves, nor the dark scent
of rot that pervades the air. These things are so
beyond us, we might as well give up. That's
the way it goes- time to surrender. Autumn
stands victorious, and we are simply broken.

Random Naruto ranting

It's time for a random fandom mini-rant!

Fandom: stop bastardizing Hyuuga Hiashi. I know, I know, he's already something of a bastard in canon. But he's not that much of a bastard. Go read the chapter where he apologizes to Neji and gets down on his knees to beg forgiveness. He loved his brother. He loves his family. He's a slave to politics, and a traditionalist, but he's not a completely irredemable monster. He's incredibly human, so stop writing him like he's the Wicked Witch of the West.

In non-mini-ranty news, I just joined 3measures and signed up to do Naruto/Gaara/Sasuke. Why? Because I'm clearly on crack, but hopefully it'll give me an excuse to think in terms of Blindsided again. I can blame my lack of inspiration on the general sucking of the manga, but that would just be fishing for lame excuses.

Meh. Lots of meh, really. I doubt my situation will improve any over the next few weeks; there are few things I hate worse than funerals.

I'm starting a list.

Phrases I shall never use again:

"startling contrast"
"stark contrast"
"______ contrast"

I never realized how fucking annoying that phrase was before; I use it all the time. *stabs English language with fork* If that contrast isn't actually startling, you've no cause to be saying it is. If you're eyes are bleeding as a direct result of that contrast then yes, you might refer to it as "startling" or "shocking." If not- well, who gives a shit?

My creative writing class is going to be the death of me. I'd post assignments, but they've all been so bloody boring, there is no point.

I'll post other phrases as I come across them. (And also? One of those last entries totally doesn't exist. *pokes Blogger* Come on, biznatch. Behave.)

Poem Call: Amiri Baraka

In Memory of Radio

Who has ever stopped to think of the divinity of Lamont Cranston?
(Only jack Kerouac, that I know of: & me.
The rest of you probably had on WCBS and Kate Smith,
Or something equally unattractive.)

What can I say?
It is better to haved loved and lost
Than to put linoleum in your living rooms?

Am I a sage or something?
Mandrake's hypnotic gesture of the week?
(Remember, I do not have the healing powers of Oral Roberts...
I cannot, like F. J. Sheen, tell you how to get saved & rich!
I cannot even order you to the gaschamber satori like Hitler or Goddy Knight)

& love is an evil word.
Turn it backwards/see, see what I mean?
An evol word. & besides
who understands it?
I certainly wouldn't like to go out on that kind of limb.

Saturday mornings we listened to the Red Lantern & his undersea folk.
At 11, Let's Pretend
& we did
& I, the poet, still do. Thank God!

What was it he used to say (after the transformation when he was safe
& invisible & the unbelievers couldn't throw stones?) "Heh, heh, heh.
Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows."

O, yes he does
O, yes he does
An evil word it is,
This Love.
-Amiri Baraka

A few years ago, Baraka was made the Poet Laureate of New Jersey; when he published a poem criticizing the government's reaction to 9-11, he was removed from the position. It upset my creative writing teacher at the time- a man who, despite being largely ineffectual as a teacher, helped me keep myself from falling apart for the first half of that year. So I have a fondness for Amiri Baraka that has nothing to do with his poetry, as I've read very little of it.

I think I'll have to remedy that, particularly in regards to his earlier work.

Dove and the Valentines; a scene, maybe

*eats bloated prose, spits out bones*
--

It had been slow afternoon at the gas station; already, the sun was turning blood-orange red on the horizon. The few men standing outside the convenience store, smoking and laughing, were the only signs of life Dove had seen all day. He watched the wind kick up dust devils in the unpaved parking lot, and tried not to fall asleep beside the pump.

He heard the basso rumble of the engine before he saw it appear on the horizon like a mirage. It pulled into the parking lot and the engine cut, leaving a sudden, ringing silence in its wake. For a moment, Dove thought the chorus of wolf whistles from the entrance to the Quik-E-Mart was directed towards the car- but then he caught sight of the pair of legs stepping out of said car. The woman walked- strutted, really, since stilletos didn't give many other options- into the convenience store. The men outside didn't bother stubbing out their cigarettes; half a dozen butts fell to the ground, still smoking, as they hurried after her.

Dove was alone in the tiny parking lot with the car. He circled it slowly, taking the time to appreciate the gleam of the chrome. Nevada plates; she'd come a long way. And she was in pristine condition, with the original paint job and not a single scratch- a rare find on a beast that old.

"Please do not touch the car. Bad enough that there is dust from the road, but if you were to leave handprints, I would be forced to remove them, both from the car and from your hands," a sharp, faintly accented voice snapped. The passenger side window had rolled down without a sound.

Dove looked down at his hand, hovering half an inch from the gleaming , Emperor Blue surface of the car, then up at the woman resting her elbow in the window. She smiled and lifted her arm so he could better see the switchblade she was casually flicking open and shut. He put his hand in his pocket.

"Sixty-eight Cadillac Deville. Not often you see one in this kind of condition, especially not on the road." He put a little sigh in his voice, even though he knew it made him sound about twelve. He'd been stuck in one place for too long, and the Deville, with its Nevada plates and gleaming chrome, was reviving his wanderlust with a vengeance. "If you're going to travel, you might as well do it properly."

"What do you know of travel, eh?" The switchblade glittered in the heavy afternoon sunlight.

"I get around." He shrugged. "When I get my feet back under me, I'm going to get a bike and head south. Baton Rouge, New Orleans. Then maybe on to Talahassee, or Savannah. I'll figure it out when I get there." He took a step back and surveyed the car once more. "But I'll admit, I've never travelled in one of these before. Driven some pretty classy stuff, but this- looks like you just drove it off the lot. Amazing."

"Cabiria takes good care of her baby. But what do I know about cars? Nothing. I just navigate, when navigating is needed." She extended a hand. "You seem like less of an idiot than most. My name is Sabatieni."

"Dove." She had a firm handshake, and her nails were painted black. She smiled again when he let go.

"You have good hands. I am glad I do not have to ruin them."

He cocked his head to the side. "Would you have used the knife?" he asked.

"Sulphuric acid in the back. But if that did not do the job, there is a bonesaw in the trunk," she replied without hesitation, as though it wouldn't have occurred to her to lie. "You are lucky Cabiria did not see you about to touch the car; she would not have warned you, and she is more protective of her machine than I am."

Dove decided he liked these women.

Sometimes I'm an idiot.

So, I get paranoid about stupid things, like locking my car or turning off the stove. It's generally baseless paranoia, but I'll still turn around and drive home to make sure I unplugged the iron before going to work. Early this morning, I was doing my creative writing assignment, and I usually get distracted from writing assignments to write bits of fic. No big deal, happens all the time. I don't usually write my fic in the same text file as my homework, but I was inspired and I didn't have the appropriate text file open at the time.

Anyway, I got to sleep rather late last night; I got up this morning in a daze and printed out my assignment in the computer lab and went off to class. And now I'm back from class, and I have creative writing in about an hour, and it suddenly occurs to me that I was writing very vaguely porny sandcest at the bottom of my homework assignment.

And for a minute there, I could not remember whether or not the whole text file got printed, and whether or not I'd handed in a few paragraphs of vaguely porny gay incest along with my actual assignment. (To be fair, the actual assignment was to write a brief romance scene, but I doubt Kankurou being amazingly creepy qualifies.)

I didn't. I know I didn't. I am 95% sure I didn't. I would've noticed if the paper was too long- it was a short assignment. But that last five percent...*whimper*

*headwall* Gah. Just- gah.

Bird in the Hand

"Are you alright, Dove?" Sabatieni leaned against the door of his Mercedes and lit a cigarette. "You look a bit pale."

"I'm dying," he croaked.

"What's that?" Cabiria pulled the spare tire out of the trunk and propped it against the side of the car.

"He says he's dying." Sabatieni exhaled a long stream of smoke.

"Is that so?" Cabiria pulled a ratchet out of her pocket and set about removing the flat tire.

"I'm dying of dripping misery, and that's all you've got to say?" Dove slid further down in the driver's seat and shivered. "How insensitive are you?"

"How much longer does he think he's got? We could sell his kidneys." Cabiria set down the ratchett and looked up at her sister thoughtfully. "Or not. Did he say what was dripping?"

"He didn't. But I imagine he'll still have a few useful organs, even if he is dripping from unconventional places."

"I hate you both." This statement was followed by a massive sneeze, and a stream of miserable sniffling.

Sabatieni stared off into the distance while she smoked, and Cabiria hummed softly under her breath as she fixed the flat.
--

Bird in the Hand is the title of this year's Nanonovel. They're worth two in the bush, you see. And it's figurative and shit, because I've got a character named Dove, and two other characters who come as a pair. See? Symbolism. Or something.

I've got three or four characters, five if you count the car. I've got no plot, no conflict, no purpose- just two women, a car, a young man on a vespa, and a girl who may or may not be a cat.

Cabiria and Sabatieni Valentine
Date of Birth: January 12, 1963
Place of Birth: Milan, Italy
Age: 42
Height: 5'8"
eyes: dark brown
hair: dark brown
Place of Residence: unknown

The Valentine Sisters are identical twins; the easiest way to tell them apart is by their clothing. Cabiria tends to wear yellow accents and bold patterns, while Sabatieni is more of a dark blue and violet sort of person. If they aren't wearing any clothing, Cabiria is the one with the c-section scar.

Sabatieni is also the quieter, calmer one, though neither sister is especially loud or talkative, nor are they particularly volatile unless provoked. Sabatieni, however, will warn you when you annoy her; Cabiria is more likely to resort to immediate violence. She doesn't take shit from anyone, on any account, while Sabatieni is a bit more laid back.

Both of them are rather low key people, though; they keep to themselves and only interact with other human beings as necessary. The only real friends they have are Dove and a few mechanics in the midwest.

They more or less live in their car, a 1968 Cadillac Deville sedan. (At the moment, I think it's Caribe Aqua, but it might be Emperor Blue, if the Deville came in that color.) They can pull this off because, as you can possibly see from those pictures, the Deville is not a car- it is, in fact, a landship. It's Cabiria's baby; Sabatieni navigates, Cabiria drives, and together, the three of them wreak havoc.

The car has a name, I just don't know what it is yet.

The twins are in the arson and waste disposal business, which is just a slightly more professional way of saying "terrorists." They take commissions for massive property damage, but they also take commissions to dispose of bodies. They do not, however, take hostages or kill people. The job pays quite well- well enough for them to keep the car in perfect condition, which is all they really need.

The car is rather distinctive, but they've got friends in high places; they've been in the business for a long time and know just how to keep from being noticed.

They meet up with Dove at random as they travel; they don't know much about him, but they like him anyway- he knows how to appreciate a proper car, even if he can't keep a car of his own for more than a week.

Maeve works her way into the story somehow; I think she might be Cabiria's daughter, but I'm not sure. She's an assassin, who either gets hired to kill Dove or the Valentine sisters. The beginnings of my plot are wrapped up in her existence, but I know nothing about her. She looks a lot like Cabiria, but with a slightly rounder face and lighter hair (she looks nothing like Sabatieni), and I think she may be full of rage.

The story is primarily a roadtrip story; I'll need to do a lot of research on cars and interstate highways and cities in the midwest. This reduces my chances of finishing it drastically, but I imagine whatever I do write will be fun. This is going to be a story with very little angst- just fancy cars, fast women, and big explosions. My favorite kind of story. :) It'll be a complete and utter turnabout from Stella Matin. Huzzah for that, yo.

*whimper*

In honor of having just finished watching the first season of Dr Who (with the ninth doctor, y'know), I'm going to sit here and make incoherent babbling noises for a while.

*gibber*

...*gibber*

...

...and also, *gibber*

I don't entirely approve of the way they treat paradox and time travel in the show (but I never do; I have yet to see anything handle time travel properly), but dear god, the characters are amazing. Amazing. One might even call them fantastic. If one were being a horrible twitty little fangirl, that is.

Barbara is patting me on the knee, since she and Gill just had to sit through me doing one of my prologued "AAAHHHH....ahhhhh..." faces. Sounds kind of like an orgasm when I write it that way, now that I think about it. More or less appropriate, really.

If they don't bring John Barrowman back in the next season, I will be very cross. Although given the new face of the Doctor, it'll just be kind of creepy to see him flirting with the man. 0_o Christopher Eccleston is three years older than John Barrowman; David Tennant is four years younger, and looks about twelve to begin with. Sort of like he just hit puberty, really.

(The reason this entry may sound slightly...distracted is because I'm not entirely accustomed to writing while someone is reading over my shoulder. I have to take into account my audience, you see. Well, I feel vaguely distracted, but that's possibly because I'm trying to picture Captain Jack's reaction to the new Doctor, and it's coming up all sorts of ridiculous in my head. Lots of 0_o faces. And a few -_- as well.)

But yes, Dr Who. Amazing. Delightful. Fantastic. British. And with really, really wonderful characters; one of those rare shows where I like everyone, and don't even obsess over pairings. (That? That was a lie. Such a lie. And the Doctor may be totally asexual, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't watch. And Jack and Rose are cute together. :P And now I've broken Barbara's brain. My work here is done!) It's just. So. Cool. Even with the B movie special effects and the occasional cheesy lines, there's a definite sense of history and continuity and more backstory than you can shake a stick at, which I love. And it's quirky and adorable and funny and sexy and occasionally the plotlines are predictable, but they're almost always creepy. It has zombies! And evil robotic salt shakers! And canon bisexual mansluts! And frozen cubes of vomit!

And all of time and space wrapped up in a little blue box. (Watch out for the big, bad wolf.) The season ending was just so, so, so, so amazing. It would have been a deus ex in a big way, but the whole season was setting up for it, so it was just a deus ex in a minor way- and it opens up a whole realm of possibilities, endless, beautiful possibilities. I'm in such a state of overwhelming joy right now- it's that feeling you get when you read or watch or experience something that hits that perfect, resonant chord of rightness in you.

Beautiful. I could probably blame my babbling on a lack of sleep, an excess of chocolate, and the fact that we just watched six episodes back to back. But oh, joyousness.

Now I need to talk about my nano novel, since I think I'm being pulled into that mess again. So much to plot, so little time...

I'm not writing this. I'm *not*. Look, this is me not writing this.

Augh, getitoutgetitoutgetitout. S'not finished, and it derailed itself in the middle, but it won't leave me alone and I need to procrastinate, so! Have some fic-like stuff. (This title, like the last drabble title, came straight off my playlist.)

Human After All
------

Sasuke knew Konoha would send a retrieval party after him once word of Itachi's death reached Fire Country, so it came as no surprise to him when he suddenly found himself surrounded by four squads of ANBU on the road travelling west from Wave Country.

He was a little surprised to see so many ANBU but hesupposed that with the deaths of two S ranked criminals to his name, he rated more serious firepower than a couple of genin this time around. Sasuke smirked. It was about time someone acknowledged how powerful he was.

The smirk fell off his face in an instant when Naruto stepped out of the trees, burning with demon fire and baring teeth sharp enough to put a wolf to shame; Sasuke realized, as Naruto broke his jaw with a glancing blow, that he wasn't the one who rated four squads of ANBU.

--

The first thing he noticed when he regained consciousness was that his injuries had been tended to and his chakra had been sealed almost completely. He was also blindfolded, wearing a full body straightjacket, and chained to a wall. The air smelled like disinfectant; he was in a hospital of some sort.

"Are you awake now, Sasuke-kun?" a quiet voice came from his left.

"Sakura?" He turned his head in her direction. It had been years since he'd heard his teammate's voice, but that particular inflection on his name was hard to mistake. "What happened? Where am I?"

"Keep your voice down, Sasuke-kun; Naruto's in the next cell over, and we only just got him to sleep. You're in the second basement of the hospital. I'll go let Tsunade-shishou know you're awake."

It wasn't until her footsteps had died away completely that he remembered what the second basement was for; it was something Iruka-sensei had mentioned in passing at the Academy, but Sasuke had never had any cause to recall it before.

The first basement of the hospital housed the morgue and the medical storage rooms; the second basement was reserved for the criminally insane.

--

Tsunade removed his blindfold, but left him bound and chained to the wall. Shizune and Sakura stood outside his cell, observing.

"Orochimaru is dead?"

"Yes."

"And Itachi?"

"Dead."

"Their bodies?"

"Disposed of."

She narrowed her eyes at him; he glared right back. "We searched through your posessions."

He didn't respond, but he could feel the blood drain from his face.

"If you disposed of your brother's body, why were you travelling with his eyes in your backpack?" She held up a small jar; Itachi's eyes, still glaring sharingan-red, floated peacefully in yellowish liquid.

He could have told her that his reasons were perfectly legitimate- that the Uchiha, much like the Hyuuga, had an obligation to their bloodline. Sharingan eyes belonged to the clan, not the individual; Sasuke was all that was left of the clan, so Itachi's eyes belonged to him. The only place to properly dispose of them would be in the hidden basement of the Nakano Temple.

Or he could have told her the truth- that he hadn't had a restful night's sleep since his family was murdered, but once he started sleeping with that little jar under his pillow, he slept like the dead every night.

Instead, he gave her his best haughty glare, and said nothing.

Tsunade smiled a hard, brittle smile, and tucked the jar into her pocket. "Have it your way, Sasuke." The door to his cell slammed shut behind her.

Sakura gave him an unreadable look before following after the Hokage. Sasuke almost wanted to call her back and apologize, but he didn't know why.

-

"Hey, bastard."

"..." Naruto's voice pulled him out of a doze; the wall between them did very little to hinder conversation. He wasn't in the mood to listen to his inmate's chatter, though.

"Come on, I know you're awake. I can hear you- man, even your breathing sounds stuck up."

"What do you want, moron?"

"Hey! This moron kicked your ass, asshole!"

Sasuke tilted his head back and stared at the ceiling. He supposed this was some cruel joke of karma; trapped in a white room with nothing to occupy him but the sound of Naruto's voice. "Yeah, and look where that got both of us."

"Look where it got you, you mean- I was gonna end up down here anyway. Tsunade-baba thinks fighting you set off the stupid fox, but it would've happened on its own. If you hadn't been so easy to track down, I wouldn't have found you before those ANBU had to take me down. Sucks to be you, asshole!"

Sasuke remembered that terrifying chakra and those teeth, and thought privately that the ANBU had waited a little too long. "When I get out of here, I'm going to kill you for this."

"Yeah, right. Like you could." Naruto's laughter set Sasuke's teeth on edge and raised the hairs on the back of his neck. "Like anyone could."

He didn't stop laughing until the guards came with a medic nin to sedate him at feeding time; the sound of it kept echoing in Sasuke's skull long after they silenced him.

-

Sasuke counted hours by listening for the changing of the guard and counting heartbeats in between feeding periods; he measured days by the madness of the nine tailed fox.

(more stuff goes here)
----------------------------

Gawd, I'm a crappy angst whore. (Next thing I post will be pointless NaruGaara fluff, in honor of the latest manga chapters, I swear.) It's probably not entirely clear what happened from this bit, and it's far from finished- but I'm totally not with the coherent right now. I don't know that I want to finish it, either; the ending's a total cop out, but some of the scenes I haven't written make me very happy in my head. I can't quite pinpoint what it is about the idea of Sasuke and Naruto slowly going insane side by side that's so compelling, but the story has been stuck in my head for a week now. (I think what I'm actually trying to do is rewrite Sorrows and Rejoicings; note to self: borrow someone's kanji dictionary.)

Somehow, Sasuke has become my favorite character. This upsets me- I mean, Sasuke? Ew. I feel kind of dirty. But there's something about characters who lack self awareness that makes them incredibly fun narrators; I don't actually like reading about Sasuke, but I enjoy writing him.

scattered thoughts (like leaves, yo)

It seems the two halves of my self keep mixing in odd ways; the poetic beauty of trigonometry, for instance, or the sky changing over time as a function of geese flying south for the winter.

The wind has turned, and there is autumn in my veins, rushing through every piece of me, beating out the rythm of raindrops on leaves in my heartbeat, in the stutter of my breath at the sight of mist rising up from the ground. This is the changing time, the turning time, when every day brings something new and different to place before you as an offering.

October is too early for November, but autumn is the season of blood nonetheless; skin cracks and yields to the wind and the damp, and sores spring up like mushrooms in the ragged, half exposed corners of the body. It is a time for metamorphosis, for shedding our walls and leaving ourselves bare to the elements.

The air is heavy with the scent of decay, but olfactory memory associates it with new beginnings. So many things start with autumn, born out of the dying time as the year begins its swift slide into December.

This is the transition time, the moving time; it follows after the still, static summer with its wind and rain and falling leaves.

We too shall fall, subject to gravity and the inexorable weight of time. Our colors are always brightest when we fall, when we flutter, when we die.

(If November is the month of blood, surely October is the month of Glory.)

Once more, with feeling: "Paint"

Art, yo.

Fanart, implicit Temari/Kankurou. (I only ever like het pairings when the woman tops, interestingly enough. Manji/Rin may be the only exception to this...)

That image has been stuck in my head for months, you know. It was originally supposed to be Temari fixing Kankurou's facepaint after the Sasori mess...but now she's fixing it after messing it up herself. I'll leave the idea of what she did to smudge it up to the imagination for the time being; I'm not yet skilled enough with anatomy to attempt to draw that. Might write it, someday. Dunno yet.

Facial markings are my favorite kind of body art; my reasons for loving Kankurou are almost entirely shallow, fangirly ones. I had far too much fun drawing and coloring his face.

song call- Fall Out Boy, "Of All the Gin Joints in the World"

You only hold me up like this
Cause you don't know who I really am
Sometimes I just want to know what it's like to be you
We're making out inside crashed cars
We're sleeping through all our memories
I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive (now I only waste it dreaming of you)

Turn off the lights and turn off the shyness
Cause all of our moves make up for the silence
And oh, the way your makeup stains my pillowcase
Like I'll never be the same

You only hold me up like this
Cause you don't know who I really am
I used to waste my time on
Waste my time on
Waste my time dreaming of being alive (now I only waste it dreaming of you)

Turn off the lights and turn off the shyness
Cause all of our moves make up for the silence
And oh, the way your makeup stains my pillowcase
Like I'll never be the same

I've got headaches and bad luck but they couldn't touch you, no
I've got headaches and bad luck but they couldn't touch you, no
I'm not trying
You only hold me up like this

Turn off the lights and turn off the shyness
Cause all of our moves make up for the silence
And oh, the way your makeup stains
Like I'll never be the same
-Fall Out Boy, "Of All the Gin Joints in the World"

I've recently become obsessed with this song, and I have no idea why. But it's been stuck in my head for the last few days, and I just want to blast it from my speakers on a loop, all day long.

In other news, Blade of the Immortal roxxors my boxxors, yo. Manji is the biggest badass on the block, and I adore him. Love the minor characters, too- Master Sori, especially, and Magatsu. And Hyakurin and Makie, and Shira and- hell, I even like Rin. The only important person I'm not overly fond of is Anotsu, but he's growing on me.

Mmm, zombie samurai. Tasty!

Thoughts (are screaming) Thoughts keep coming (DOWN)

Free Thought: It Burns

In the manner of tradition, we must begin as we began all those years ago, in the back row of a room full of men and women and people not yet begun to be who they must become. To wit: adolescents, frustrated inflated devalued unloved angry and too smart in a room, a little room in a hotel where death first hit the wall
SPLAT
and then we were off, too much caffeine, and it begins (but it didn't begin then, it began sooner; is this to be my history then, the history of nonsense and violence and anger and confusion, of lounge room lizards and molestable stage boys, of Shao Kai and Jensy and Makella and me, little me, caught up in the lives of people too much in the sun and too much more than I could ever hope to be it was then, New York, 2000, in the March, the gloomy March, time marching on in the United Nations representative from Mexico's office, the man who said the US was missing the forest for the goddamn trees, who said it wasn't torture, because who sponsors torture? No one, that's who, it just happens, happenstance unlucky chance, those poor, poor people, what a shame, but we can't do a damn thing about it, not here, not now)

Now there's the history: Free Thought, thar she blows, burning burning, burning down, burning it all down to the ground- we were meatballs and meatheads nothing but brainmeats in the brainpan- looks like stirfry tonight.
So:
Traditionally, it begins thus, and so:
All work and no play makes V a dull girl all work and no play and no one to stay makes V a dull girl makes me a dull girl makes me something tarnished and un-shiny not good double plus perhaps, extra large extra fast extraordinary but so much less than ordinary is this what we are? Is this what we will be when tenses break down and time dissolves, when the end of the world is nigh and we're all left behind to our own little worlds, our little miserable planetary alignment: chaotic, neutral, good/bad yes/no, maybe? I'll take The Remedy for three hundred Alex, and make it snappy, cappy- pulling a cuppy and why does it all just go back to highschool in the end? Were these really the best days of our lives, carefree and footloose foot lost, lost my feet and heaven won't help won't help anyone because heaven helps those that help themselves.
Thus. And so:
Who will you be? Who will you be when the wind blows down, blowing down low on the door to your heart, knocking it down? Who will stand at the doorway when there's nothing left- will you be who you want to be at that time, reduced to nothing in a melting pot of thought and experience, delirious with possibility? Will we be left out in the cold while the wind warms itself on the fires of our souls? 'Tis human nature to seek out warmth, but what is human?

We are nothing more than our love for ourselves; beyond that, what else is there? We could be dreams we could be beans a new source of fiber for the universal intestinal tract, just passing through, pay us no mind. We could be nothing more than the prelude to a sneeze, something squeezing past the lungs of some great wheezing beast, the world creature capturing us all in its ineffable airways.

I would rather be a sneeze (not a pair of claws, ragged or otherwise) than a person if that's to be my end. I'll be the wind itself, you'll never catch me in your cathartic crescendo. (SLAM BANG CHORD- look it up, it's there; I once thought the universe was a symphony orchestra, building to that ultimate climax: six octaves of C Major, enough to resonate even the biggest Megauniversity on the coast.)

The worlds follow and I am left behind- is this misery even my own? What right have I to say that things must be thus, and so, and so, and thus and however I may choose? What right have you, my dear, oh, my dear do you not understand how you have left me here? Left me with the rage and the hate and the overused song lyrics that say so little with so many words. We're not worth this much; this isn't nonsense, this is wretchedness, a break in tradition.

It was the caffeine, the second time, and a desperate need for love to spring out of the hatred that consumed every part of me that was not lost and alone. The first time it was weariness, and a notepad and love- ever since then, I've lost track, lost track of who I am and where I'm going left with nothing-
But this overwhelming sentiment. Excuse me, my melodrama needs purging, please don't mind me, do you see? Don't mind me, this is the clara paciscor, the last chance for a ticket out of here.
Don't mind me, I've always been a little crazy- and if I were her, I'd say that like it really was a bad thing, because it is. It is when you let it devour you, like so many have.

We are nothing. Poets and prosists have come up with a better end to that line, but I am neither, I am not even a thinker; call this thought? No, not thought, merely words, which are nothing more than mispelled worlds, spinning in infinity (hey, halleluia) because in the beginning, was there not nothing more?

We are the Word, then, and the Word was God and Thought and all else that Groks and can hold love in itself, hold it like something fragile and precious. It isn't- not love, it's hardy stuff- but even the toughest among us can appreciate a little tenderness.

Who will you be when the wind blows down your door? I thought it was the music once, the transcendental chord from which all other sounds began- but after all other sounds have sounded, what will there be left to hear? Will we hear the heartbeat of the universe, echoing through worlds, worlds? Or will the silence wrap us in featherdown and broken glass, so gently, gently?

Soft, soft, what sounds from yonder keyboard break? 'Tis the sound of a mind left in stasis, in anger and rage. Where's the productivity in this, you ask? Where is the freedom? Traditionally, that's what it was- a freedom from thought, a freedom from that little room of highschool students arguing the democratic process to death.

The South Shall Rise Again, thank y'all kindly. A crime is a crime is a crime is a crime, said my good friend, Gertrude Stein! But she knows that I go to the ol' duex magot to drink pernot through the night. In the end we can be song lyrics, snatches of phrases, but you might never get it at this rate; typing a mile a minute three billion kilometers a second, give or take an order of magnitude order of the rose, the rose, oh jezebel from Israel, does it always go back to you? Aeria Gloris, gaudete, gaudete- there's your Latin moment for the day, lost in the unrush of the house of tom bombadil (and you'd never guess winamp was responsible- at the beginning of everything, what are we but music?) old tom bombadilo! there's your sam for you, always the coolest person in the group, even when he's just half an assassin and nothing more than an ass-
least we're not making mountains out of molehills, ladder legs, adder legs- but adders don't got no legs, asmodeus, my dear (still don't get it? you're not trying hard enough!) Where will you be when the black wind howls down your door, down the floor on the floor heads down thumbs up it's not seven up it's mountain dew! I attack the darkness- I dreamt I was a moron, you see, but you may never get it (I am not a pickel this time, nor a walrus, though I might be a meatball- maybe a lion, too) we might be the Knights of the Round Table but it's a square wave all around and I won't integrate it for you- round to round but square to triangle and back again it's all circles in the end
Good shapes, circles- some of my best friends are circles, even if a few of them are angry- this calls for Violence Type B: hitting things with other things.
BAM BAM BAM
Sorry, coudn't hear you over the beating of my heart (be still, be still!) ring around the rosy, the posy ain't the plague, no not this time (never gonna get it) there is no spoon here, not what you're looking for- it won't do you any good for cutting out hearts nor eyes nor claws- and what was that? Nothing here but us KhiKKens, waiting for Kompression into something smaller and colder than what we are; this sucession of witches will end some day (break the chain) (of queens, you bloody faggot)
And then the song changes, spinning, spinning- sound like angels, drawn out into threads, into thread, chewing through all that is organic and changing and alive- dynamic entry! The internet is for porn,after all (and you still. don't. get it.)

But that's okay. I don't expect you to ( I might expect it from the other guy, but never you, never you, it's blue dabadee and never mind you that I thought Cher was a man, there's life after everything) Right normal people? ...nevermind (me), we don't much care about that. This is the afterlife, tangerine shag carpeting and everything. What more do we need? Not six years too late, nor too early, neither- right on time. No past, no present (right here, right here, not a gift but something better), just the future, for ever and ever and ever Amen.

The day is ended. Go in peace.

Turn off the lights and turn off the radio- you'll make it home in the end.
(We are all just dreamers on a sea of infinite possibility, finding our way home.)

We could just waste our lives living a cliche, and there's no shame in it, no blame in it- we can only do what we were meant to do (with a rock to wind a string around, whistling in the dark for nothing more an nothing less than minimum wage: Anzani!) and obey those happy cliches on t-shirts:

Be as you are. (For ever and ever, amen.)