song call- Under the Influence of Giants, "Beautiful"

But I thought we were close,
'Cause I saw the Holy Ghost,
And he...
And I'm just digging,
Well I'm digging deeper for your grave, grave.

I want you to know that I'm beautiful,
I'm taking my time to perfect dying alone,
Come on.

I've been hanging on,
It feels right moving along,
You left me with my lust,
I'm digging deeper,
Well I'm digging deeper for your grave, grave.

I want you to know that I'm beautiful,
I'm taking my time to perfect dying alone,
I'm cutting the string that binds me to you,
I'm writing a book on what not to do.

I'll cut you up,
I'm the Holy Ghost.
I'll cut you up,
I'm the Holy Ghost.
I'll cut you up,
I'm the Holy Ghost.

I want you to know that I'm beautiful,
I'm taking my time to perfect dying alone,
I'm cutting the string that binds me to you,
I'm writing a book on what not to do.

I want you to know that I'm beautiful,
I'm taking my time to perfect dying alone.
-Under the Influence of Giants, "Beautiful"

Dear Silverlock:
Stop that. With the pathological dependence and the bitchiness and- just quit being a pussy it.

I'm sorry, did I say I liked writing healthy relationships? I WAS FULL OF LIES.

---------------

"I would have liked to watch you grow old," he said softly. It wasn't often that he left the chair by the bedside these days; occasionally Foxbird came to chase him off to sleep, but that happened with dwindling frequency.

"That's because you've always put too much stock in bad romance novels." Blaine grimaced. "Much as it might distress you to know, we've hardly been living the romantic ideal."

"I'm aware. The fact remains: I don't want you to die." He was gripped with a terrible sort of helplessness. "Who am I going to annoy, with you gone?"

"You'll find someone else to irritate, I'm sure." Blaine closed his eyes, dismissive.

It was unfair, that this fragile man could hold so much power over him. "Tell me how much I mean to you." It was like a living thing, gnawing at his insides. The helplessness, the rage, the desperation- he was accustomed to instilling these emotions in others, not feeling them himself.

"Stop playing this game."

"Tell me." Or possibly it was like a scab or a scar, something that itched so terribly he couldn't stop picking at it. "Tell me you love me less than your daughter and less than your god, so I can tell you I would die for you if you asked it, because your happiness is the only thing in this universe against which my own life feels insignificant. Tell me exactly how much you're looking forward to dying, to leaving-"

"Shut up." Blaine's hands clenched into aching fists on the coverlet, every joint highlighted in bright waves of pain. "Shut up, and get out of here. Indulge in self pity on your own time; I have more important things to deal with now."

He bowed mockingly, swallowing his lover's pain along with his own. "Of course. Anything you want. Anything. You know that."

"Out." Fury brought some small amount of color back to Blaine's face; his eyes were bright.

Silverlock shut the door behind himself and leaned against it with one trembling hand pressed against his eyelids. After a moment, he took a deep breath, steadying himself, and walked away.

---------------

AUGH.